British Gas... You've created a monster!

THE other day a new gadget arrived in the post. I like any sort of gadget, but this one's got me a little bit obsessed. To the point that Lizzy's now threatening to throw me out of the house.

It's a wireless energy monitor. A simple bit of kit with one white box that attaches to your electricity meter and another white box that sits in your house and tells you exactly how much power you're getting through.

It's become like a bit of a game for me of late, to see how low I can get it without losing all our frozen food or completely starving the fish of oxygen. And I'm doing quite well.

I've also enjoyed conducting a series of experiments around the house using the new toy and I've found out some rather interesting things about domestic appliances and their energy consumption.

For example, our electric fan oven, unsurprisingly, hammers the national grid as soon as you turn it on. However, I was amazed to find out that once the thing has pre-heated it doesn't really use much at all. So when the pre-heating light is on it's costing you a fortune but most of the time it's not. Brilliant.

I've also learned, to my horror, how much our oil-filled heater in the conservatory - the one that claims to be energy efficient - is costing us.

The first time I switched it on and ran back to read the meter the dial was wandering off the scale and it was as if you could hear the little white box groaning and muttering in a pathetic, strained voice "why are you doing this to me"? So that's never going to be switched on again.

Oh, another revelation I uncovered; next time someone tells you that leaving your TV on standby is bad for polar bears, punch them in the face. Because it's not. It makes an absolutely negligible difference. Which is what I always thought.

It's been a lot of fun, and it fills a few of the boring, solitary hours waiting for Lizzy to come back from work each week. Trouble is, it's when she gets back that the problems start.

Often, the first thing she does is puts the kettle on. Which is of course a big no-no. Anything that uses up more than 1KW/H is now off-limits because it completely fouls up my energy consumption targets.

Then she'll go for the TV, but that leaves me writhing in agony as I watch the dial on the meter dancing around where it shouldn't be again.

Worst of all though, because Lizzy's a girl, she has to wash her hair all the time. Normally she'd jump in the shower, but there's no way I can put the poor little meter through that sort of hell so it's baths only from now on.

But Lizzy refuses to take cold baths. And hot baths cost far too much, so I'm finding myself in a no-win situation yet again. What's more, Lizzy's threatening to throw my meter out of the window. Followed swiftly by me apparently.

Actually, if I'm being honest, a thought crossed my mind a few nights ago as the rabbit and I sat in darkness, huddling together for warmth, with only the sight of our breaths vapourising to entertain us. This little box is ruining my life.

Don't get me wrong it's great to be frugal. It'll save us a few quid and hippies everywhere will be applauding me for all the good I'm doing to the ozone layer - or whatever it is they're trying to protect this week - but I've learned the hard way that there's more to life than saving energy.

I do think this monitor thingy is a great toy though, and everyone should have one as it does make you more conscious of what we waste. I never leave lights on now, for example. Filling the kettle only with the amount I'm going to use is another new hobby of mine.

Dear god, listen to me. I'll be buying an electric car next. Actuallly, who am I kidding? Then I really would be thrown out of the house. And rightly so.

I'd best create some global warming fast. Does anyone have a Range Rover I can borrow?